


The new MI6 questionnaire.

by fabricdragon



Series: Special Edition Villains Table 007 Fest 2018 [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: 007 Fest, 007fest2018, Crack Treated Seriously, Explosions, Lack of Communication, Lasers, Multi, Poor Q, Possibly Pre-Slash, Prompt Fill, Q finally snapped, TeamBondVillain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 22:57:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15229803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabricdragon/pseuds/fabricdragon
Summary: an underslept and very angry Q comes up with some Questions for the new Double O recruitment... it goes very very wrong.inspired by a conversation with Conduitstreetcatfills prompts "Death Lasers" and "explosives/bombs"





	The new MI6 questionnaire.

Q marched into the meeting late: this was more a surprise because no one had expected him to make it at all–he’d been handling both 006 and 007 in the field last night–and for the past week.

“Quartermaster… I’m glad you could–”  Tanner was cut off when Q began  handing out files and glaring.

“Here…” he hissed, looking more than slightly mad. “HERE… I created your new Questionnaire for prospective Double Ohs… its far more realistic than your current one!” and he stalked out leaving the table full of people to stare at each other.

It took a while for anyone to have the nerve to open the file, but then Eve giggled: “Oh I know where THAT one came from…”

Slowly everyone opened their files and read the questionnaire…

“How many pieces can a standard MI6 tracking device be rendered into without a hydraulic press?” the MI5 liaison looked puzzled

Tanner cleared his throat, “The record so far is six.”

“You have a record for that?”

“Yes.” Tanner muttered and looked down at the file.

M stared down at his file, “A psychopathic criminal/terrorist invites you into his bed, and prepares to tie you down. What do you do? Does your answer change if he is a she?”

One of the psychologists looked up, “Actually that’s a good question.”

Lord Holliwen from the budget committee looked shocked, “why is that a good question?”

Eve shrugged, “Happens often enough.”

“It DOES?!”

M just rubbed his forehead, “I need to go over the older mission briefings; I only knew it happened twice.”

Lord Holliwen and the MI5 liaison both stared at him.  The representative from the-branch-never-to-be-named just cleared his throat, “Oh right, you’re new.”

Eve cheerfully read off another one, “You are told you cannot have an item that is locked up behind several layers of security: do you find something else, destroy  a lot of things until someone gives it to you as if you are a toddler with high explosives, or attempt to seduce someone into giving it to you?  Does your answer change if it is locked up by your own side?”

The psychologist was making notes on his copy, “These are actually REALLY good.”

Lord Holliwen, in an appalled voice, read: “You are at a person’s funeral.  What is the appropriate interval to wait before you seduce the spouse?”

Eve cheerfully pointed out, “There’s a bonus question there, ‘and should you sign the guestbook after.’”

“Good GOD!” Lord Holliwen stared around at everyone.

Tanner muttered, “At least Bond signed a fake name–that time.”

The psychologist looked up, “M? Could I have your copy? I’ve been making notes on mine…”

M handed it over and stood up, “Ladies and gentlemen I believe a short recess is in order…”

~ Several weeks later~

Q’s hand was shaking from caffeine overload, but he’d gotten agent 005 home in one piece.  Between that mission and the distributed attack on their computer systems he hadn’t slept for days.

R looked on worriedly, “You need your sleep.”

“Couldn’t possibly… too wired… but I’ll go in my office and read reports until I can, alright?”

R nodded reluctantly.  Q locked himself into his office and started reading reports. Eventually he started looking at the new questionnaire for prospective double Ohs–as a department head he got a copy early…

…

 “What do you MEAN they put them into the new profile questions? Oh my GOD!” he stared in horror, anxiety percolating through his brain like coffee, “more… more destruction? More… more agents just showing up to steal my technology and destroy it?”

Q pulled the bottle of alcohol the old M had gifted him with when he took the job, “You’ll need it, she said, just you wait, she said.” 

By the time everyone else went home Q was wide eyed and shaking, muttering over plans for a death laser emplacement and weaponized toasters to keep them out.

~ Late that night~

In another area of the building Alec and James, as the senior agents in the program, finally got their copies of the new questionaire.

“Hey… they finally got reasonable questions in!” Alec sat up straight.

“What? Let me see that,” James grabbed it and looked it over, “Damn!  We may finally get some recruits that make it past their first mission! Who came up with these?”

Alec whispered, “Oh that beautiful brilliant boffin…”

James stared at the credits, “Q? Q did this?  I… I thought he didn’t LISTEN to me…”

“ I thought he didn’t LIKE us…”

They stared at each other.

Alec said solemnly, “We… have been underestimating and overlooking him.”

James looked back down at the questions, “I… never thought he could understand…I…I’ve been a bloody fool.”

They got up and went off to invite the man out to dinner–and possibly more–by way of apology.

When they opened the door to Q branch the lasers almost got them.

One caffeine fueled, alcohol soaked boffin was standing maniacally on a desk in the middle of Q branch. “You want it?  You’ll have to GET to it!” he shrieked and activated the toaster battalion.

Alec and James dove for cover as death lasers strafed the entrance and mobile toaster/Roomba hybrids fired what appeared to be toast shaped projectiles…

“Oh my GOD…” Alec looked on in awe as something toast shaped embedded itself in the wall and exploded.

James yelled, “I’m SORRY, Q!  I’m SO SORRY!”

Q shrieked back, “YOU WILL BE!”

Something that appeared to be made of the remnants of an Astin Martin popped up machine guns and more lasers and started targeting them–badly, fortunately.

James dove past one of the toaster launchers, grabbed it, and aimed it at the Astin Martin bot.  He fired both barrels… er… toasts… at it and it died in a spectacular explosion.

Alec had gotten to the main laser emplacement and somehow swung it to aim at the mobile toaster bots… cackling like a mad man.

In short order Q branch was in flames, and the automated fire suppression systems were being overwhelmed.

Q stared around the room and crumpled… “My… my bots… my toaster bots…”

James grabbed him and pulled him down off the desk, “You can build more, Q… I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you… I never thought you listened!”

“What?”

“I never thought we could make it WORK!” James put his hand on Q’s cheek and stared him in the eyes.

Alec came up hugging the death laser to his chest, “This went right through two feet of concrete James! And it runs on D CELLS!”  He wrapped his arms around them both and kissed Q gently on the cheek, “We’re sorry we didn’t understand… We thought you didn’t LIKE us.”

“We know better now, Q,” James rumbled, “We… we know better, I’m sorry. We aren’t leaving”

Q very shakily looked at the two of them… “You… aren’t leaving?  Why not… you got your lasers and your explosives… you destroyed my lab… why aren’t you leaving me alone!”

James very gently took Q’s face in his hands, “We’re NEVER leaving you Q… “

Q fainted.

Alec nodded, “We’ve been horrible to him James… we should get him home.”

James shook his head, “I must have broken his heart…” he looked determined at Alec. “He’s not scheduled to be back until Thursday, I think?  Come on, I know where he lives… we can stop by and feed his cats, and then take him off on a proper retreat… ”

“Reassure him that he’s never getting rid of us.” Alec said solemnly, “Make up for ignoring him.”

“Also we can test the toaster bots… lots of room up in Scotland, and no internet to distract us–he’ll love it.”

They carried the sleeping Quartermaster out of the building, gently placed him in the car, and drove away to make sure he understood exactly how much they appreciated him.

 


End file.
